I've been reading this a lot lately. Focus on your own shit. You can only be where you are, and where you are is the right place to be. It's easy sometimes to look at the person writing the test next to you and doubt your answers. But life doesn't have right and wrong; just here and now. That person has different questions, different teachers, and answers that suit them at that moment. They aren't shared.
It's nice to look over, if it's about supporting each other. It's nice to be invited into conversations of support. It's nice to be thought of as an equal. But we bloom when we bloom, and when the flower is still closed up tight, no one knows what anomalous beauty lies within it. We wait until it blooms, and we discover together. The flower itself is often the most surprised.
I, like us all, have the tendency to compare. 'How you figure your shit is bigger than mine?'. I tend to want to know what others are doing. I tend to second guess things I know. I tend to undo my best work, sometimes just to make space for others, saying I Think before things I know, trying to not make someone feel bad for not knowing, leaving myself open to doubt, and criticism. Even though, deep down, I trust my work, I trust my instincts, and I trust my compass. The tendency comes from not knowing what 'right' looks like. And there's a reason I don't know what that looks like...
It doesn't exist. We were taught to solve for x. We were taught to show our work. We were taught to memorize, regurgitate, and recite. I like to think, to solve, and to connect. Sometimes, the answer I come up with is amazing, and current, and alive. And whatever it is, it's always ready to collaborate. But many a times, I've taken that answer and been told no, it can't be that way. It's taken years to realize that the answer to that is, oh, you don't know how? I'll show you.
I have a tendency to want to be told
You Can before I do something. But there's a simple truth that I need to whisper to myself everyday.
And like field of dreams, If I build it, they will come. I have imagination, and vision, and things that I didn't learn in school. And sometimes, I can't explain what I see. So I have to live it. Build it. And let them come.
I have to remind myself of that everyday. Because it's hard, everyday.
And you have to do it, everyday. And it gets easier, everyday.
But you have to do it everyday.
That's the hard part.