Antonio Cayonne | Actor

Because Cinq a the questions (2013)

Antonio CayonneComment

we all want to be noticed. 
we want to be seen. but we don't know what it looks like. 
so we look for it. 
and we try to craft what we think it will look like. we give it features. 
we give it a name. 
we give it a story. a narrative. 
a skeleton. flesh. blood. 
some soul. maybe even purpose. 
but we start at the end. 
it's no surprise. 
we were taught to start at the end. 
happy ending. 
fairy tale endings. 
and we make the ending clear. vivid. 
the way dreams are vivid. 
and then you re-tell them and only actually recall one part. 
we seek this out - this acknowledgement from others. 
all the time. 
we rarely know we're doing it at this point. 
and we play for keeps so we build it up for ourselves, 
and we attach things to it, so it feels like more when it happens. 
it feels like it's closer to the ending image. 
it feels like it's really really happening. like we saw and we were right. 
or it hurts, a lot. 
there's that too.
because we want to be seen. 
but we have no idea what that means. 
but we have no clue what we're looking for. 
but we don't know what we look like. 
and we don't know what others see. 
we don't even know if we want to. 
we're just looking at this point.
more because it's what we do than what we want.
we need to. and yet -
there is something big for all of us. 
it just doesn't look like what we think it looks like. 
if you start the story at the beginning - 
where stories start - 
it becomes clear that the end isn't the goal. 
the end isn't the impetus to drive forward. 
it can't be. 
the end is actually a full stop. 
end implies nothing thereafter. 
the end isn't actually the place we've been picturing; 
the place we've been looking for. 
strange how we lie to ourselves. 
denial is the plaque that clogs the artery of our ambition. 
we're looking for a mirage. 
and we know it. 
actually. because when we see something that we think may be it, 
we don't stop to feel. 
we stop to look.  
we're wanting. instead of being. 
we're wanting
something so far out ahead of us, 
that it's the carrot leading us in circles. 
how many times have we passed that same road post?
dated the same type. attracted the same drama. endured the same hardship. 
same outcomes despite different situations. 
denial is the plaque that clogs the artery of our ambition. 
we walk right past the things that we've been 'looking' for, 
because instead of reading the story as it appears
we're trying to erase it and write a new one at the same time.
we were never the author. 
but we can't see that. 
we're looking so hard. 
yogis can see things that transcend space and time. 
they don't try very hard. 
they're just still. 
you can see a lot when you sit still.
looking is active. 
seeing is passive. 
it's right there. 
see what i did there?
it's right there. 
see, it's been right there the whole time.