I'm sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for Marc Senior to finish his audition for the same project I just went out for.
I'm reading a Where's Waldo book. The big one, where you have to find even more people than normally. I've never liked these books, and I thought it was because I don't see colours all that precisely. In fact, I'm sure it's mostly that. But I'm reading too deep right now, and I'm gonna come up with another reason. But it's actually just the color thing.
I'm searching for Waldo. Daily. As in, my life is a search for something that is clearly there, hiding in plain sight. Hard to see, and seemingly elusive, it gets clearer when you don't focus on it. It shows up when you stop looking and just enjoy the scene.
I FOUND THE WIZARD. In the book. I found him, while I was enjoying catching the watermelon guy eating a strawberry lollipop while the Starwberry guy looked on in confusion (because it's too PG for horror). I looked for him for like, 3 whole minutes (long in Waldo terms). But it wasn't until I sat back and enjoyed the ride, took in the pictures, and had a good time without an agenda, that I found what I was looking for.
And I find it hard to separate those two things. Agenda, and Fun. It's why I have always hated this book. I often feel like I have something to prove - to myself and to the world. Like I need to make some declaration that I know what I'm doing. Well, I don't. Ha! How's that. I actually don't. I don't know what Waldo even looks like in my life. And that's okay. Because it turns out, I LOVE the path I'm on while playing Where's Waldo in my own life. I actually do. I love being here. I love working scenes. I love auditioning. I love acting. I love connecting. Even when I muddy the water of Fun with the Agenda of being right, being the one, being 'chosen', being impressive, being seen as an expert.
I was talking with Hannah 'Fast Track' Anderson today. She's killing it, as usual. She has something figured out too! I don't know if I know what that is..I don't even know if she does...but she does. I tire myself out, looking. Ever do something that you don't even know that you're doing? That you know you don't want to do? But that you do, because you can't quite imagine how to do otherwise? That's what this is. But I remember from my meditations, that the more you crave, the more you desire, the more you regret, the less you are in the moment. The less you can let go and see the beauty of every day.
I need to meditate on Waldo.
I need to let him walk away. I need to walk my own path and let him walk his. And if our paths cross, I'll be happy. Not to find him, but to have not had to ask Where he is. He's somewhere. We're all somewhere. I am here. That's what's good, that's what up, that's what's true. I am here.