I'm not sharing this to elicit pity, or sympathy. Quite the opposite. I think it's empowering to share where we are at, to admit shit, and to own the things that try to lease our lives. And I don't know who is reading this, but in some dream world of mine, this helps someone else because they live it to and can co-sign the experience. Real recognizes real and you're looking familiar (JayZ) because we're truly not alone.
Yesterday wasn't my favourite day. I stayed inside almost all day. By choice - sort of. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard. Not because I'm lazy, but because I get sad. And I start asking questions that are a rabbit hole of unhappiness - questions of self-worth, of happiness, of doubt. Being alone is great, sometimes. I think being able to commune with yourself is important. I did a 10 day silent retreat. But this is something different. This is alone, without a community. I'm a social guy, and I thrive on the energy of others. When I'm alone, sometimes my instrument start to give off feedback. You know that sound when you pass a guitar in front of the amp? That happens to me, but only I can hear it. It's loud, and debilitating. But it happens. I think it happens to almost everybody at some point. Many people live through this daily. Many have it much rougher than I do. Mine's tied to an opportunity I chose and that's important to acknowledge, even if it doesn't change the feeling.
It's important to talk about it, because it can consume you. I'm the first to talk to others when they are in a bad way, because I want to help them. But when I need help, my own advice usually falls on deaf ears. So I stayed home yesterday, and I'm going to say it was by choice, but in actuality, it felt out of my control. I was lucky last night to come across a Podcast that my friend Jonathan Harden - actor and photographer - is starting called IN ANYTHING AT THE MINUTE (a question that actors often hate). I took the questionnaire. Actors, take it.
’In anything at the minute?’ is an attempt to restore the balance in the conversations we're having and hearing about acting. With so many actors struggling with depression and other mental health issues, it's time for honest discussions about the realities of the profession. Perhaps if we all start speaking truthfully about the struggles, we can help each other to avoid feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. www.inanything.com
Today I woke up with a plan - tackle the day, tackle the bad feelings. I tend to believe I can combat life's woes by doing something. So I did. I got up, made oatmeal, made a budget, attacked some sublet possibilities, planned a run, and got a message from the wonderful Farah Mehrani - actress, producer, and much much more. She's in town for a film making event because she's slowly taking over the world. A few quick messages and I found myself bussing out her way to have the best run time catch up I could have asked for. And we knew it was amazing because the number of cross over topics that we'd both been ruminating on, as well as the coincidences with flying high and in full effect. One of the oddest moments was when I said Oh I saw a Japadog food truck and that's supposed to be great, but I don't remember where it was. Farah did, she thought it was near where we waited for the bus. Low and behold, we were diagonal from the Japadog and NEXT to the place we'd started. With no map, and no clue how we ended back up exactly at our start point.
We parted ways and I decided to get a fresh juice. I stepped out and who do I run into but Farrah Aviva - actress, photographer - who I know from TO but who hails from Van. I worked with her at a casting workshop and she's fantastic. I've been needing a friend, someone to run lines with, to check in with, beyond Jake and Court so they don't tire of me. And I found her.
She's here until May or so making photo magic and auditioning. So here's hoping something comes of it all!
Right after I left her, I walked past a very familiar store. I stood there for a moment, before it dawned on my that it was the store i pretended to go to to get out of the house to sneak off to the rastaurant we were going to eat at to give my ring to my friend the day I proposed to Catherine!
I'll call this a GREAT day. Now I'm eating a bit before heading off to the restaurant.