I never feel like I'm doing enough. It may actually be true now. I'm not sure, but it might. Those of you who know me, might think I'm being hard on myself. Likely, I am. But it still doesn't make it untrue. I want so much, and am here, not chilling, but being 'patient'. Whatever that means, I know how it feels. It feels like waiting. I'm getting more looks at the hoop, more shots up, but I'm not scrimmaging daily. I'm an actor, but I rarely feel like an artist. I'm spending time trying to master auditioning - finding the handle to the door that lets me actually do the work with other people. And I'll find it, but it doesn't help that it makes going to the gym, eating right, writing my scripts, and breaking down scenes, feel tedious. Feel like another direction.
I met someone today who talked about earning your keep within your industry. She's right. I know it somewhere inside. I know that restauranting takes me away from acting, and writing, and producing. I also know it pays the bills. And affords me more chances. But I'm not meeting people at the restaurant that can help me get into my industry. I'm not developing new skills. I'm not diversifying my abilities in adding to the overall texture of filmmaking. I'm just, waiting. Waiting in two places.
Dinner today with friends, who are opening a place was exciting, and harrowing. It's a big undertaking. And it makes me wonder what I'm undertaking. And how it'll go. For them. For me.
Also, I got caught in a Hail Storm today. That was shit.